Who Pays on the First Date? Hi guys it’s Iain Myles here. And so today I thought I’d talk to you about something slightly different to the usual. I really wanted to talk about first dates, and I’m not talking about the TV Show, hell no! What I’m talking about is; the question of who should pay on the first date. Because there always seems to be a raging debate on who should pay first on the first date, the guy or the girl. What do you think? Well let me first start by telling you a little story.
Pays on the First Date
It was a hot summer’s day in London and going a few years back now. I was actually on my way to train a guy for some day- time approaches around Oxford Street. But I was a little early so I basically stepped into a coffee shop to get one of those ice coffees to cool me down. So as I’m just about to reach the till there was a couple in front of me with a load of shopping bags, they were clearly on a shopping spree. And I suppose they caught my eye because the girl was really really gorgeous. She was really pretty, with her long wavy blonde hair and with these tiny skimpy shorts with her bum just out there for the entire world to see. And the guy looked decent himself and down- to- earth. He gave off this ‘city boy’ vibe, as he was wearing chinos and a shirt. I guess there was just something about his mannerisms which gave that off.
So anyway, I’m queuing behind them. They order their drinks and the girl takes out her wallet to pay. It’s funny because the guy is so fast to reject her kind gesture, he immediately waves his hand at her and starts taking out his wallet. And then the girl comes back at him and says how it’s unfair on him as he bought her all of her clothes on that day. But the guy just ignores her, he waves his hand at her again, whilst he’s making his way to the card reader. I actually found it really funny and amusing watching these two, because the guy is clearly putting pressure on himself and unnecessarily. The girl wants to pay for Pete’s sake, listen to her, will you! So at the end, the girl agrees to it but the energy that I got from them just didn’t seem right. It would be interesting to see how long that relationship lasts, I thought to myself.
And this isn’t something that just the guy just decides to do, out- of- the- blue. He doesn’t miraculously just wake up and start paying for everything the girl buys, no. This sort of behaviour actually stems from the moment a guy and a girl start dating – it doesn’t just come about for no reason. We can even trace its origins all the way back to when a guy and a girl go onto their first date together. We can basically trace it back to when they order their first drink on their very first date. Basically I would put my money and my life- savings on the guy paying for the girl on their very first date together, because it’s clearly the provider- type frame he’s established from the very beginning of their relationship together.
And so this nicely leads me onto my next question. Who then should pay on the first date? A lot of you are probably thinking that it should be 50:50, the bill should be split evenly between the man and the woman and there’s no question about that. And I can see where you’re coming from, and I completely understand you, because you don’t feel like it would be sustainable for you in the long- run, paying for the bill each time. And it just doesn’t feel like you’ll be respected in the long- run either. However I must say that I disagree with this thinking, but only when it comes to the first date. I disagree that it should be split evenly down the line and I’ll explain why in a moment.
Look I’m not a feminist, and neither am I here to preach any sort of “red pill” ideology to you, no. The stuff that I’m going to tell you is based on real- life experiences from being on hundreds upon hundreds of dates. It’s real- life stuff not something I’ve just woken up and felt like talking about. So I’ll try to be as objective about this as I can, because I actually do go- out unlike certain marketeers online and none of what I say is theoretical or ideological in the slightest.
You see it’s the guy who should pay on the first date, or at least be prepared to pay on the first date. I also stress the “prepared” part because there’s a difference. So the guy should be prepared to pay because this is part- and- parcel of a grander strategy, it forms part of an enlarged dating strategy. You need to have a strategy in- place in order to win the girl over. But don’t worry, let me explain. You see offering to pay for the first coffee or for the first drink is fine, and this should be part of your game plan, so quit resenting the financial part. And also, if you don’t think you can afford to pay £5 or $7 for a coffee then I’d really think about what you’re doing in life. I’d think about sorting your life out first and getting a job because anyone should be able to afford that, there’s no excuse! So offering to pay for the first drink should be part of the strategy, as it’s only then that you can gauge how interested she is in you. It’s exactly how I explained in the story with the couple, you can find out how willing she is to invest in the interaction, as there’s nothing to say that she wouldn’t be willing to pay for the bill. You’d be surprised because an overwhelming number of women are actually open to paying for the entire bill, outright, especially when they’re really attracted to you.
So definitely offer to pay for the first coffee and see how she responds. If she doesn’t budge then fine, and so be it, that’s no big deal either. You can tell her to, “get the next one hundred rounds”. This is obviously a joke, and so you need to communicate it in a light- hearted way. Don’t expect her to literally get the next one hundred rounds! However more often than not, if she likes you, she will invest into you too and she will pay for the following round of drinks. That’s also assuming she has a job and she’s not a broke student. If you take out a university student, they tend to be more broke so don’t have high expectations in those sorts of situations either. Just try to understand their circumstances as much as you can because this will help you in assessing how genuinely interested they are in you. As I said, offer to pay for the first round of drinks or coffee, whatever it is you’re doing. And just observe and see how she responds.
The problem with this, “who pays on the first date?” argument really originates from the fact that so many guys overcomplicate the logistics of the first date. The classic example being that the guy will typically arrange a dinner date at a really expensive restaurant somewhere, following by ridiculously overpriced drinks. I mean the thought of it makes me shiver, in fact it makes me want to shoot myself, because it’s just so cliché, it’s uncreative and it’s so materialistic, not to mention the damage it will do to your bank account the next day. So you would naturally feel like there’s a strong case to split the bill down the middle. But why on earth would you put yourself in this situation and dig yourself such a hole when you don’t even know what the girl’s like or whether she will even appreciate your efforts. Do this for your girlfriend that you get along with; you obviously don’t have a girlfriend yet but you get what I mean. Do it for someone who appreciates it, definitely invest in them. But if it’s a stranger, think twice my friend, it’s time you evaluate your dating game.
So think about toning it down a few notches and really do opt for a simpler and a more discreet first date. I always tell my guys to take their girls for drinks at a cocktail bar or something like that. Even a coffee date would work too. But I prefer drinks because of the sexual undertones to it. And it’s just so much more relaxed, it’s so much more chilled and it relieves so much pressure off from both you and your girl. And, most importantly, you will never ever come across the dilemma of who should pay on the first date. You can simply play it as I suggested already, you can offer to pay for the first round and just see how she responds.
And of course there are girls out there who’s eyes light up to milk the situation, without a doubt. There are girls out there who will want to use you to pay for the rest of the night. You just have to assess this and you have to really understand the situation, her situation, before you jump the gun to making conclusions. You have to ask yourself, is she trying to use me or is she simply broke? Because there’s a difference between the two. And also there could even be a cultural misunderstanding too, it could be that in her culture the men have historically always paid for her on dates. So try to figure it out as much as you can and decide whether she’s the type of girl you want to go for. If she’s trying to use you for the rest of the night, it’s likely because you’ve been far too nice with her from the outset, or you’ve been a bit too submissive. So have a think about what you did wrong and have a think about working on your confidence levels. But look, I hate making bold generalisations, because there will also be women out there who will do that to every other guy they meet too, and maybe you’re not to blame for anything too either. So don’t be too harsh on yourself if it backfires with her, because in- time you will learn to understand the situation better. Just move on onto the next girl and keep the faith, there are amazing women out there, trust me.
And coming back, once again, to the point on the logistics of the first date. It also doesn’t matter how hot she is, don’t feel like you need to justify yourself because of her beauty or looks, by taking her for a dinner date or something like that. Get out of that mindset for god’s sake because it’s going to limit you in the long- run. I’ve taken many super attractive girls to the simplest of venues, and they loved it and they had the best time because they enjoyed my company not because they were impressed by where I took them.
It’s funny, I even remember once entering into this really high- end private members club in London. I remember walking past this couple who were both dressed up like they were movie stars, the girl was incredibly attractive – I just couldn’t put a finger on where she was from, she looked so exotic. And I remember thinking how cliché the whole thing looked – I mean they were surely boyfriend and girlfriend in my eyes, please god! So anyway, as the night came to a close, I get my jacket and find myself leaving the club and I see this girl standing there, outside the club, all alone. It looked like she was waiting for a taxi or waiting for someone to come. I kind of slowly walked past her and then I thought to myself, “to hell with this, I’m going to approach her”. So I started talking to her and she kind of stumbles towards me to hear what I’m saying. It turns out that the guy she was with was her first date! I just couldn’t believe it, absolutely ridiculous. And the guy had actually ditched her and had left for the night, probably because he was trying too hard. So to cut a long story short, we started making out there and then, and we hung out for the rest of the night… it was just awesome! So just stay away from those dinner dates will you, they are cursed and you’re not going to do yourself any favours.
And there’s one other thing that I haven’t really touched on or explained properly, in relation to the guy paying on the first date, which I should’ve brought up before. You kind of need to understand the way in which the female psychology works too and you need to develop your game plan around this. You need to understand that women operate slightly differently to men in the sense that women like it when a man makes them feel special, okay. And I’m sorry, if you want to neglect this and if you choose to ignore this fact then you’re not going to have an easy ride and you’re really going to struggle getting success with women. But look it’s not as bad as it seems, not at all. You still don’t need to take her on that fancy first date, we’re not going back to our old ways, no. All I’m saying is, this is the reason why I advocate the guy pays on the first date. Asking to split the bill 50:50 is just so crude, and it’s devoid of all emotion. And your lady will feel like she’s at a business meeting, it’s really not the impression you want to make. And you’re basically not going to make her feel special in the slightest, she’s not going to like you man. So to avoid any of this, go by the strategy that I’ve already talked about, and offer to pay for the first round of drinks. You have to just accept that women are programmed differently to men and so you can’t treat it like you’re hanging out with your guy mates. Be smart about it, be savvy and play by the rules. But also, always try to understand the situation as best as you can and never lose your dignity for what might seem like a potential short- term win, which in reality is just time spent with the wrong girl.
Guys this is sadly all I have for you today, we’ve come to the end of yet another video, but do stay tuned for much more content from me, Annabella and Emre. Also do let me know what your thoughts are on who should pay on the first date. Do you think the guy should pay? Do you think the girl should pay? Or do you think it should always be evenly- split down the middle. I’m curious to know what you think so do keep me posted and put your comments and experiences right down below.
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