Why Cold Approach Works Better? Hi Guys it’s Iain Myles here and so today I’m going to be talking to you about online dating, and why I would advise against it. So I’ve recently been reading various stories about online dating in the press, and online, and I’ve also been going through some scientific research on the subject matter from psychologists around the world. I’ve even tried and tested a number of apps with my clients. So I’m going to give my overall take on it – I’m basically going to reveal the truth about online dating. And I want you to see that actually cold- approaching women really is the best and most efficient way to meet gorgeous women. Just like this.
Okay so the first thing worth highlighting is that it’s actually greatly more inefficient in finding your ideal partner relative to say approaching a girl ‘cold’, from a bar, from a club or even from a shopping mall. Oh yes, it’s so much more inefficient, it’s crazy! And this might not be what you’re expecting to hear but it’s the truth. I mean for starters, you invest so much of your time and so much of your energy with this virtual person, you spend so much of your time when you’re sending those messages, and even just trying to maintain that conversation with her. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you will certainly also need to invest your time and your energy when you text a girl in any other sort of situation, that’ s without a doubt. However, one has to distinguish the differences between the two.
Approach Works Better
Because when you’re messaging her on a dating app, you’re basically in the same bucket as 20 other men who are also messaging her on that same app too. You’re basically competing against a pool of other men, so you really need to stand- out from the crowd when you’re putting your messages together. And why should she prioritise you over the 19 other guys? You don’t need to answer that. The bottom- line is is that it’s just too much efforts guys, it’s not worth it. Okay, however if you already have hold of the girls number from say – approaching her from a shopping mall – you are straight- away one- step ahead of those 19 other guys on that dating app, why? Well you’ve already made it from the app to her actual phone. You’ve entered into her “digital” personal space, so- to- speak, and so she will naturally feel more comfortable and more connected with you relative to say her virtual list of suitors from a dating app. You will therefore, automatically, have a huge advantage – you won’t need to put in as much effort and as much energy in being unique in your messages, in trying to be funny, which will save you a tremendous amount of time and frustration. And also, by default, in being within her digital personal space, she will automatically prioritise you over the other suitors because you’re closer and dearer to her, which is ideal.
Guys it takes a matter of seconds to approach a girl that you don’t know, literally a few seconds, max! And it takes minutes to get her number. So basically, you can be ahead of the game in a matter of minutes. Isn’t that amazing? So you can begin to see how dating apps can be so much more inefficient compared to the traditional way of cold- approaching a stranger. And if there are any women watching this, the same applies to you too – please do go forth and approach those guys you really fancy to just make things so much easier, simpler, more normal and more efficient.
And so, going back to the messaging dynamics on the app, I haven’t even begun to mention some of the senseless things that take place, like when a guy get’s unmatched for sending a message or after sending a bog- standard opening message, for instance. It’s just such an extreme response and it doesn’t make any sense, it’s like a guy getting blocked straight- after getting a girls number from a cold- approach, which believe me will never ever happen! This is why I’m really against online dating for any guy starting off in this stuff – you will get demoralised from the get go and that’s just not what you want or what you need at this point in your life.
I suppose the biggest limitation when it comes to online dating is purely down to the fact that you can’t get a feeling of what the girl’s like when you match with her. You have no idea! And what I’m talking about is, what the girl’s like as a whole, not simply how she looks. Because the big question here is, can you interact and engage with her when you meet her in person? Will you two even get along? There’s just no way to tell from the outset of the app.
Because you could find a girl who looks amazing in her photos, she could literally look like a super model, but she could turn out to be a total social recluse when you meet her, who is absolutely uninterested in anything but herself – and you don’t want that when you’re going on dates and meeting new women. And likewise, you might come across a girl who doesn’t look so stunning in her images, she might not be the best looker or she might not have worked so hard on her Photoshop skills let’s say, but if you were to meet her in real- life you’d find out that she’s actually a really cool girl, she’s actually attractive in her own way, and she has lots of energy and sex appeal. Do you see what I mean? And there’s simply no way in which you can screen for these things beforehand, there’s no way! So you’re wasting your time and energy without knowing this stuff.
On the other hand, when you meet a girl through cold- approach you can straight- away see what the girl looks like and what she’s like in real- life. But not only that, you can see how she acts, how she presents herself and you can get a feeling of the girl’s energy and sex appeal, which you simply cannot screen- for through an online app. So the whole process of physically walking up to her and approaching her is so much more efficient than any sort of dating app – and you’ve automatically saved yourself days, and potentially even weeks of time, by seeing the girl and bearing witness to her before your first date together. So you can see how the app is actually an inferior form of intimate communication. It’s a form of communication which can no way compete with both the complexity and the simplicity of real- life interactions, because it simply cannot carry as much information as in real- life and it’s completely devoid of any emotion from the get- go.
So in essence, what I’m leading onto here is the fact that online dating breeds superficiality. It’s a superficial form of match- making. They say that a picture can paint a thousand words, but words are simply not enough when it comes to dating and attraction. As I’ve already mentioned, you can have girls out there who are attractive because of their confidence and their energy and this is completely missed- out when using dating apps. These women are simply missed out. There are things, certain qualities about a woman, that just can’t be captured by a picture. And so, from a male perspective, these are completely missed. And likewise for men, their qualities are simply not captured there and then, such as his confidence, or his bravery or charm. And so in reality it makes it more difficult to find your ideal match. It makes it so much more time consuming and frustrating.
It’s quite ironic because when you read articles about online- dating in the press, most of them are actually negative articles that criticise it, believe it or not. For instance, they always touch on how aggravating it is when people go silent at certain points in the interaction – they call it “ghosting”. And, it’s not only ghosting that they winge about – there are a whole host of negative aspects to using the apps. They complain how the guys they meet there are a bit strange and it’s always difficult to find someone who’s normal or who has good intentions about him. Well, if you can’t see the person from the outset or if you can’t read their body language, there’s no way you can screen for these things online. In fact it kind of makes women devoid of their evolutionary awareness to these things, such as good body language, voice tonality and eye contact, which they’ve been using for thousands upon thousands of years up to this point. And so this is part of the problem. And I haven’t even begun to mention things like online- fraud or even catfishing, whereby someone could quite easily create a fake persona online – they could quite easily just pretend to be someone they’re not in order to take advantage of the situation, to take advantage of your emotional vulnerability. So why put yourself at risk of these scammers – it takes quite a long time to get to know someone anyway, when you begin to date them, so why make it even more difficult for yourself and why make it a risky thing? So what I’d say is, just refrain from using them outright and actually put in the effort to people in real- life. Look there is unfortunately no quick way to meet people, that’s just fallacy, and don’t buy into that. Okay and this nicely leads me onto my next point.
The other issue with dating apps stems from the way in which they’re designed and is a bi- product of the technological revolution itself. Because you see, whenever you match with someone, you will instantly feel good about yourself, even though you haven’t really progressed anywhere with anyone! So you will begin to feel what’s commonly called, “instant gratification”. You will automatically feel good about yourself, you will feel like you’ve already achieved something when in reality you haven’t. I mean, yeah you are slowly progressing with the situation, with meeting a girl, however the dating app is designed in such a way to really make you feel good about the situation – make you feel like the girl likes you. But come on, you’re still a million miles away because you still haven’t even got to her digital personal space. You haven’t even sent her a message, and you don’t even know if she will respond. So the issue here is, the whole process becomes much like a game. It becomes like an activity that loses all of its meaning, it loses its soul and it becomes very disposable. Dating becomes meaningless, which is a great tragedy. And the user takes it all for granted, which is why people are just not so responsive on these things. Why should they be responsive when they can play the same game, again, tomorrow – where they could match with that dream guy or girl. Not quite.
So you see guys, the instant gratification that comes from swiping left or right, and getting a match, becomes addictive and people are getting so hooked on this. They’re hooked on the game aspect of it, and they miss the true meaning of what dating is – the authentic part of dating is sucked and eaten away by that technological demon. And this is not just a local, isolated, issue with any one guy – it’s definitely having a broader impact on society as a whole, as people become more difficult to please in the long- run and are becoming unhappier. I recently had a chat with a medic friend of mine who actually told me, to my surprise, that depression rates are getting higher and higher because of this instant gratification element that technology and social media has drawn us into.
Anyway, I won’t go too astray. However for anyone starting off in dating, I would strongly advise against using dating apps and I would encourage you to get yourself out there and get yourself into real- life social situations. If you want to save yourself a lot of time, and frustration, and if you value your time. And if you actually want to meet your ideal partner, you really need to get yourself out there and start taking action. Start putting in the effort to work on yourself and to work on your confidence levels. Because there unfortunately will never be an “easy” way to go about this – no dating app will ever be able to give you what you want, just like that. You will have to make that change and become that change that you want to see. And you’ll see that when you actually develop that confidence, it’s really not that hard, and it’s all really worth it at the end. It’s really not that difficult to strike- up conversations with girls, it’s just a habit. And after a while, it becomes so much more than just a habit, it becomes the joy in your life. And it really brings dating back to life. You really begin to understand the true meaning of dating, the soul of dating and the heart of attraction itself.
Anyways guys, that’s all from me today but I hope you really liked this video today because I have some really strong views about the subject. Please do put your thoughts and your comments right down below – tell me what you think about online dating and please do share your experiences too so we can all talk about them. As always, there will be many many more videos from myself and from the rest of the Kama Gang so definitely stay tuned for more. Today you were joined by Iain Myles and I shall see you next time!
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