Blog, Psychology, Relationships

How to choose between two lovers

Guys that are not faced with the decision to choose between two lovers might think it’s a love paradise to be in that spot. After all, some guys only wish they could get one that would stick by them. But choosing between two women can be a scary place to be because you don’t want your decision to bite you in the behind later on.

Guys get attracted to women for different reasons. Nevertheless, it’s rare to find a woman that will fulfill all your desires. When you are attracted to two women, the question becomes what part of your desires you are willing to give up.

When you are stuck between choosing two lovers, you are at a point where you can make the best choice for yourself or lose both women. I wouldn’t want to imagine the emotional toll of remaining single when you had two women wanting the same spot in your life.

In this blog, I’ll focus on pointers that can guide you to decide on how to choose between two lovers. The pointers explored will also inspire you to be honest with yourself which can be instrumental when dealing with the emotional complexity of the situation.

1.      Is it love or lust?

When you are thinking about how to choose between two lovers, it’s important to consider whether what you are feeling is love or lust. The emotions triggered by lust can be very overwhelming to the point it clouds your judgment.

There’s a simple way that you can tell whether what you are feeling is love or lust. Lust revolves around sexual desire and the hunt for gratification. Love is the connection you share that creates a unique form of intimacy.

Another way to determine whether what you’re feeling is love or lust is by taking a keen look at your oldest relationship between the two. Relationships can sometimes get boring and the thrill that made you crave for your partner seems to fade. Observing your oldest relationship will give you an idea of whether you are excited over a new relationship because of the challenges that you are experiencing in your other relationship.

You’ll be lucky if one of your relationships is inspired by lust. It’s possible to love more than one woman and that can give you a genuine headache. The intense emotions involved with both women might make you feel that whatever you choose, you’ll still lose.

2.      Get to know the women in depth.

You’ll have more clarity on how to choose between two lovers by how well you understand your lovers. What do you know about these women? You don’t want to walk away from something tangible for a smokescreen.

To prevent that from happening, getting to know the women in depth will help you compare which personality you are compatible with. You’ll find out what you have in common with these women in terms of values, ambitions, and interests. It’s easy to maintain an exciting relationship when you have a lot of things in common.

You might not have the luxury of time, so here are some of the things to look out for when trying to understand both women:

    • What are their deal breakers in a relationship?
    • What do they desire in a man and in a relationship?
    • How do they react to stressful situations?
    • What are their sexual desires and fantasies?
  • If physical attraction was out of the equation, who would you settle with?

3.      Figure out who’s ready for commitment

The next thing that could make your decision easier on how to choose between two lovers is figuring out which of your lovers is ready for commitment. When you feel that you need to choose, that’s an indication that you’re ready for something deeper and potentially long-term.

It’s important to know what women think about taking things to the next notch. For example, if you want to start a family, who of the two is willing to go down that road?

The feelings towards the women might cloud your judgment and trigger a biased decision. You can be lovers and not have the same intentions about the future of your relationship. The best thing to do is to withdraw the emotional attachment you have with the situation to have a clear view of your relationships.

I have written a blog on how to know if a woman is ready for commitment. There are signs to look out for that can tell a woman that she is ready for a long-term relationship with you. Understanding those signs will make it easier for you to figure out which lover you can settle with.

4.      Understand your needs and desires

Another foolproof technique of how to choose between two lovers is understanding your desires and needs. You’ll have a more exciting relationship with a woman that checks most of your wish list in a woman and relationship.

It’s not selfish to look out for your interests in a relationship. When you understand what you desire, it becomes easy to communicate with the women. You’ll observe how the women relate to what you desire and make an informed decision about who will give you the gratification you desire.

Some guys tend to be shy to accept their desires for what they are especially if they are sexually related. That’s how guys end up in relationships where they get half satisfaction. Be genuine with what you desire and need in a woman and a romantic relationship.

Write down a list of your desires and needs and cross-reference with what each of your lovers has to offer. That list can give you clarity on where you’ll get more satisfaction and gratification that is in line with your long-term intention.

5.      Analyze the reservations you have.

You can love someone and still have some reservations about them. Analyzing the reservations you have about each lover can give you a clear picture of which lover you’ll likely thrive with. Dig out the dirt that most guys sweep under the rug when they are into a woman.

Your reservations about your lover can be triggered by the worry they cause or annoying behavior that’s an inseparable part of their personality. For example, she is too busy with her career to have ample time for you. That can trigger a reservation within you if that’s not an ideal relationship that you’d desire to be part of long-term.

6.      Who brings out the shine in you?

One of the inevitable aspects you’ll put under a scope when considering how to choose between two lovers is who brings out the shine in you. Nevertheless, it can be very confusing because there are feelings that are internally generated and one that’s externally motivated.

There’s a shine in you that can come because you love a woman. For example, she’s beautiful and it gives you confidence that you were able to score her. On the other hand, the shine in you can come because a woman sees your potential and inspires you to be better.

Furthermore, you might be willing to make a short-term compromise or sacrifice to be with a woman you desire. However, if the situation was to be made long-term the feelings involved might change a bit.

For instance, the dating coach for men and a woman that loves nightlife can be fun when you are both dating. But if she’s still into the nightlife and you are dating, will you be comfortable with it? You’ll find that you have a naturally healthy relationship when you date a woman that brings out the shine in you because you have the same perception of the important things in your life.

7.      Get an honest opinion from people you trust.

Your friends and family can provide an insightful perspective that will guide you through how to choose between two lovers. The importance of getting a third opinion is because they have the objectivity that you might lack due to your emotional involvement in the situation.

You’ll have a compassionate and genuine decision if some of the people you trust are familiar with your lovers. Nevertheless, you can still get valid and functional advice even if your friends or family are not familiar with your lovers because they understand you.

Open up about how you feel about the two women. You can also enlighten your friend about the character and personality of your lovers. They’ll give you advice based on what you’ve told them which can make you look at things differently.

When you are thinking about how to choose between two lovers, it’s crucial to factor in the emotional toll and the approach you’ll take to let go of one of your lovers. Here are some tips to help you in your escapades: 

    • Take time away from both lovers and spend quality time with each lover over a period of time. It will give you an unbiased perspective on women.
    • Have an open mind that it might go either way. That way you’ll not feel guilty about letting go of one of your lovers.
    • Take your time to make a decision. You’ll have to live with the decision you make so it’s better to make sure that you’ve exhausted all possible angles.
  • Find a good time to break news to the lover you are letting go of.

Final Take

It can be a genuine mental and emotional struggle when you are faced with the decision to choose between two lovers. However, you also have to consider that you might make a choice that will not work out for you the way you anticipated.

Take a keen interest in your older relationship. Try and figure out what you are getting from the new woman that’s splitting your heart into two lovers. It’s better to be sure that whatever you are feeling is love and not infatuation or lust.

Do you want to drastically improve your dating life?

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Iain Myles

Iain Myles is an internationally recognised dating coach and co-owner of the UK’s largest dating coaching company, Kamalifestyles. Iain is also an internet sensation thanks to the multiple viral videos posted through the YouTube channel KamaTV, which has grossed over 100 million views.

Iain has appeared in numerous newspaper columns and radio shows across the world. He is a regular contributor to BBC Radio in the UK.