Byline: by Anne Gildea

RECENTLY I realised that I’ve given up on love. The last chap I fell for presented himself as available — then, surprise surprise, what I thought was a relationship was his seedy affair. After that, my hopes of a genuine monogamous relationship seemed to fade.

Before Mr Cheat there was Mr Internet Dating. He had many of the qualities I look for — he was tall, handsome, intelligent, worldly, well-travelled. So many qualities, indeed, that it was obvious I was never going to be his priority. I let that situation drag on for several years before I decided, actually, being a priority does matter — even if the guy is almost perfect. Before him I dated Mr Amsterdam. The trouble with seeing someone who lives in another country is that they live in another country. Again, it took a few years for that to hit home. Before him was Mr Terribly Nice — nice to the point of not being attractive. But his niceness was a tonic, when compared with his predecessors, Mr Alcohol and Mr Drug User.

So, three years ago, after the last heartbreak, I gave up. I was afraid of being hurt again. I’m 43 with a great life and my own home, I didn’t honestly feel like I needed to bother.

And it’s not like it’s easy to meet new men anyway. I’m out of practice and many of my buddies are paired off. Now my social life mostly consists of going to the cinema or having pints or dinner with friends.

That’s not how it used to be. I used to love clubbing. One Saturday recently, I went out dancing with a friend. Big mistake.

I felt like Granny Gildea getting down with ‘de yoot’. This is still, despite our so-called liberalism, a conservative country. When you’re in your forties, you’re meant to be at home with your kids and hubby, not out on the town.

At weekends, Dublin city centre is overrun with bimbos in short skirts. It seems, in some places at least, to be a necessity to get a man’s attention. The scene is boozy, ugly, it lacks any finesse, and it feels as if there’s no place for someone like me.

So where do I go to meet men? And what do I do? I’ve always been a terrible flirt. I need some help — professional help — in the form of ‘dating training company’, Kama Lifestyles.

‘Our dating coaches will show you the rules of dating, from how to approach, meet and attract any person you choose, and create successful relationships,’ say UCD graduate and Wexford hurler Stephen Nolan and Turkish entrepreneur and life coach Emre Ilkme, founders of the dating company.

The pair of tall, handsome, confident charmers have agreed to put me through a bespoke coaching session, a two-hour theory lesson, followed by two hours of ‘in-field’ training.

To begin, Emre goes through the basics: ‘Guys are visual, so look nice. Be assertive, it’s sexy. Play with your hair. Smile.’ I half take in it, but what I’m really interested in is the next bit — The Method.

‘The two crucial ingredients in getting the relationship you want are confidence and connection,’ says Stephen. ‘You need the confidence to make the initial contact, and the ability to connect so you can move things forward.’ That means spotting a target in a bar, and moving in. I feel nauseous just thinking about going up to someone in a bar and instigating chit chat because I’m actually attracted to them. They diagnose me with AA — approach anxiety.

‘You have limiting beliefs,’ Emre says.

‘We can change that.’ Stephen tells me I need to ‘look available’.

‘Stand on your own or with one other woman,’ he says. ‘Make sure you’re in the traffic lane where people are going by. If a cute guy walks by, smile at him and say hi. Women never do this and it’s so simple and effective,’ he adds.

‘Men will usually approach in groups. If two guys come up, touch only the guy you’re attracted to, to give clear attraction signals. The only exception to this rule is a handshake.’ I learn that once you’ve spotted your prey you ‘get yourself into proximity to the target’. Once in position, as it were, you hunt or wait to be hunted.

If you wait, you need to play an ‘attraction gambit’, like repeated eye contact ‘beyond the point which is comfortable’ or flicking your hair.

If you don’t, you need to make an approach and think of an opener. Openers, it turns out, fall into two camps — the direct or the situational.

A direct opener is ‘Hi, I like your shoes’. Situational would be ‘That guy over there looks likes Bono’.

Cringe. All the while, you have to watch out for SOI and SOD, signs of interest and disinterest. Signs of disinterest include darting eyes, a fake smile, feet pointing away and closed body language.

The final stage is Isolation. ‘You need to isolate the guy to get to the next level,’ says Emre, explaining how this involves corralling him away from his tribe so you can get his number.

After two hours of coaching, we move into the field. Outside the Westbury Hotel Emre spots a potential group.

‘Which of the guys over there do you find most attractive?’ he asks.

‘The one in the V-neck I suppose,’ I reply. He’s tall, good-looking and intimidating.

‘Come on so,’ he says. I panic. I can’t see how I’m going to start a chat with this guy. He’s already engrossed in conversation with a woman.

Plus the group — they appear to be American — seem totally closed off.

‘We’re going to walk over beside them, I’m going to tell you I like your jacket, and ask you where you got it. Then I want you to turn to him and ask him if he likes your jacket,’ Emre explains.

I’m shaking.

‘You can,’ he argues. A can/can’t exchange ensues, until he gently takes my arm and says: ‘Let’s do it.’ We walk straight over to the group, Emresays his bit, but I can’t play along. They give us the ‘what-the-hell-areyou-doing’ look. I am mortified. Meanwhile, Stephen has moved around the other side of the group and is chatting away. Next thing I know, he’s introducing me to the man beside Mr V-neck. Then Stephen leaves.

After a couple of moments regaining my composure, I settle.

I end up having a lovely chat with a Californian businessman here for a conference.

Mr California loves Ireland, thinks Obama will be re-elected and that the U.S. is in economic recovery. Better still, while we’re chatting I notice Mr V-neck eyeing me up.

I am in my element. And then I’m whisked away. ‘Anne,’ Emre calls, ‘we’re going now.’ I say goodbye to Mr California and Mr V-neck.

Although I gave up smoking years ago, I’m forced to light up a cigarette to calm my nerves after the shock of being thrown into that situation.

And as much as I enjoyed it, I notice that I’m still shaking.

Next we’re off to The Bank bar on Dame Street. Stephen breaks the ice with my second ‘approach’, Mr Rather-Staid-and-Boring-Bavarian. But he’s practice. We chat for ten minutes — I’m not drinking, he’s finishing a pint.

Once I suppress the notion that he might think I’m some kind of loon, it’s quite an easy, casual chat. And it’s me who ends it.

Next target. I settle on two cute 20-somethings. I saunter up and ask one where he got his T-shirt. He’s flattered.

The three of us get a laugh out of his answer, ‘Blanchardstown Shopping Centre’.

Soon, we’re having a lovely chat. They’re German and working in the IT industry here. When Emre appears again saying we have to move onto our next venue, Mr T-shirt and Mr T-shirt’s friend are disappointed. I’ve just had a successful flirt with two young guys.

Do I feel good? Do I need to answer that? I haven’t felt this way for, well, ages. I thought these kind of situations were a thing of the past.

I’m feeling more attractive than I have in 20 years. Our next venue is the Temple Bar. I scan the place, and choose the most attractive men I see. This time my opener is ‘Are you tourists?’.

Bland, yes, but who cares? It works. I end up nattering to two Turkish businessmen. They give me lots of SOI — open body language, smiles and laughter. They even offer to buy me a drink but I decline. This is, after all, a professional mission.

I can’t help noticing that none of the guys I’ve met are Irish. An American friend of mine thinks Irish men can be uncomfortable chatting to a woman.

She believes that if they like a woman, they’re immediately thinking about getting her into bed, and that they’ve little genuine interest in a woman’s company. I think there’s a little truth to that. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed not meeting any natives this evening.

By the end of the night I feel like I’ve discovered a secret power. The experience was less about finding Mr Right and more about learning how to find Mr Right.

As Stephen said earlier while we were discussing the approach theory: ‘Eventually you’ll just start to see strangers as friends you haven’t met yet.’ So cheesy, but so true.

I would never have ‘approached’ a stranger I fancied before. Emre and Stephen suggest that if you what to meet someone, you should be ‘approaching’ all the time, in any situation. I feel my tutorial has shown me how it’s possible to do that, and given me the confidence to have a go. In that regard, it’s been life changing.

The following night I’m out in the pub with a bunch of girlfriends, telling them about the experience. ‘Okay, show us your new skills — pick a guy and go for it,’ they say.

‘Erm, not tonight I’m wrecked,’ I say, truthfully. And I will. I find myself scanning the room, noting who I like, and visualising approaching them. This is the way I look at the world now. The pub has become my smorgasbord, and I shall feast upon it.

It’s a whole new me…

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Jay

I was recently asked to write an article by one of Ireland’s top magazines Stellar, on how women could make themselves more approachable to men and the article is shown below.

In a bar/club, men look for women who are easily approachable. It does not matter if she is the most glamorous, the youngest or the sexiest. Any woman can attract more men to open conversation, simply by making herself more approachable.

As you know, due to my business, I spend a lot of time in bars/clubs. In the social scene, I meet a lot of people and I have a large social circle that includes a lot of women. Many of my female friends tell me they really want to find a man but it’s so difficult to meet somebody they can really connect with. They say that men don’t approach them enough and the ones that do are usually drunk. I know these women are really cool and a lot of them are very attractive. So I started asking them what they usually do on a night out and I also began asking the guys I train how they select women to approach at bars/clubs.

A few weeks ago I was out in Krystal on Saturday night with a group that I hung out with in college. All the girls had boyfriends, except for two – Sinead and Ciara and they started the usual complaint about how hard it was to meet guys etc. I explained to them some of the following tips and I told them if they gave them a try and they were not approached by at least three guys each in the next hour, I would buy the whole group a round of drinks (14 people!!)

So they did it and the group set a timer. After two minutes, two guys approached. 10 minutes later, another guy approached. By the end of the hour, they were approached 11 times between them and when they got back to our group, we learned that Ciara had exchanged numbers with a guy that she had her eye on many times before in the club, but had always been too shy to approach him.

I know that these tips work from teaching guys and the limiting views that a lot of guys have so if you are single and looking for a guy, give them a try.

Stand alone or with one other woman. I know from teaching Bootcamps that guys will not approach a group that has guys in it. Very very few guys will feel comfortable enough to engage a mixed group or even a group of more than three women. You must decide if you are there to socialize with other women, or to meet a man. I know you can’t ignore your friends but you must choose what you want. By standing alone or with one other woman, you will make it far easier for a man to approach.

The power of Touch – Most guys will approach in two’s so when you are talking to the guys, only touch the guy you are interested in. If you touch his friend, you are sending confusing signals. As you speak to him, touch his arm when you are making a point or make a comment about his clothing while touching it and maintaining strong eye contact. It is a scientific fact that when you touch somebody, even the lightest tip, you can create powerful physical sensations in their body. With the right information about how and when to touch, you can really connect with people. I am a guy and I know the effect this can have on me when women touch me as we are talking. I guarantee you will get a lot attention from the guy you are interested in.

The Busy Points – As you arrive in the club, watch the flow of people and notice the areas that most people pass by. Perhaps it’s on the way to the dancefloor, beside the bar or in the smoking area. Also, find somewhere that it’s quiet enough to talk. I know in Krystal, the best place is just past the top of the stairs. Look for congestion and areas that people continually come back to. Stand in these points and you will be approached. If you sit in the corner, most guys won’t even see you.

Say Hi -  Ok, you should be standing at a busy point, with only one of your girlfriends. Every time a cute guy walks by, just say hi with a smile. Even if the guy walks on, you can be sure he is thinking about you and he will probably approach later, when he comes to his senses. It will put you in a great mood, and by just simply saying hi, you set yourself apart as a woman who is friendly to men, something that can be rare in today’s social climate. That’s often all it takes for you to appear easily approachable to men, and you will be approached all night.

Put aside your Prototype – Everyone has an image of the perfect guy/girl in their mind. If somebody approaches, don’t just blow them off straight away based solely on looks. Give them a chance to put forward their personality – you may be surprised to find hidden qualities in them that are very important and attractive to you. It is possible to still maintain your standards, while keeping an open mind. After all, my girlfriend said she would never go out with anyone from the country…

These are just five quick tips on how to attract more men into your life. 44% of Irish women are single and I know that figure is mostly due to situational dynamics and routines people fall into. Men want to meet you, but at least give us a chance. So if you are interested to find a man, perhaps you might try incorporating a few of the above points and I guarantee you will be approached by far more men.

For information about our dating bootcamps visit www.kamalifestyles.com

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